Punch Drunk Wonderland

PDW 2014 Monday Night Matchup Scenarios – Week 2

Posted: Sep 15, 2:01 PM
After a long week of players getting suspended off the field, it was nice to get back to what really matters- all of them getting hurt ON the field. Between injuries, suspensions, and usage issues, I think it’s time to stop thinking of fantasy teams in terms of an assemblage of players you think will perform well, and just treat them like the zombies from World War Z:

Just grab a bunch and throw ’em at your opponent. Maybe a couple will make it over the wall.

Not a lot of close matchups left going into an interesting MNF game.

Darby is down 25.1 points against Justin with only Darren Sproles left. The only scenario wherein Sproles hits that kind of number is one where McCoy goes down, which if it were to happen might lead to the Kommish burning down the entire internet that none may play fantasy ever again.

Speaking of which, K is down 52.7 to James with only McCoy left. The sequence of trading Sproles for Colston to start for Brandon Marshall, having Colston put up zero, and watching Bmarsh go nuts on his bench was rough. The only thing that could top it would be the aforementioned scenario where McCoy goes down and Sproles goes off. I shouldn’t even say things like that out loud. Strange day here at Windswept Fields.

In a matchup that’s sure to blot out any enjoyment I might have in watching tonight’s game, I’m down 10.1 to Craig. I have LB Mychal Kendricks and kicker Cody Parkey, where Craig has Vinatieri. It should be exciting to see what happens and not at all a bunch of bullshit because kickers are stupid. Don’t despair, though. I got this. No doubt.

Shane is down 68 to Marshall. Marshall has Jeremy Maclin and Shane has Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton. Let’s see, is there any scenario where Shane can pull this out? (calculating..)

Marshall wins. Shane’s studs get hurt with such yearly regularity that Chip Kelly’s sports science consultants should pay him to draft their opponents. I enjoyed the big comeback win for Marshall’s Bears last night. Seems like Cutty’s figured it out and it should be smooth sailing from here on.

Wilson is down 37.3 to Nate. Nate has Reggie Wayne and Wilson has Foles, so Nate’s looking good. Nate’s team names are already infecting my brain with Dan songs all week. That said, any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you, my friend, anytime Percy Harvin breaks apart he usually doesn’t fall together again until week 17.

And finally, Trevor beat Overman. It’s a new day in Ocholand. You all had better recognize. He’s poised to get some wins againstOhfuck I’m playing Trevor next week. Kudos to Overman, who while we were watching the GB-NYJ game did that thing where you figure out exactly how much any scenario increases the likelihood that your kicker can get points and then that’s all you root for. Plus, every time they cut to the KC game he was searching for Dwayne Bowe like there was an Amber Alert. It really took my mind off my own matchup.

Enjoy the game tonight!

S. The Magnificent

Posted: Sep 15, 3:12 PM

I was drunk and watching the Bears game last night while texting with Aaron. Then this happened.

K Smelser

If McCoy goes down with an injury tonight I’ll think about refunding the league fees that I’ve received before deleting the league. I’ll think about it.

I actually already know he’s going down. Sports talk radio today had a piece about how much of a great single dad McCoy is, and painted him as a beacon of rational human hope in the wife and kid beating NFL. He’s a real sweetheart. Except to bad servers at restaurants. And, fuck bad servers at restaurants. Anyway, that’s how I know he’ll go down. Because I just love him soooooo much.

Please help me, LeSean McCoy. You’re my only hope.